Crocodile Hunter Killed By Not A Crocodile

“Crocodile Hunter” Irwin dies

Steve Irwin, the quirky Australian naturalist who won worldwide acclaim as TV’s khaki-clad “Crocodile Hunter”, was killed by a stingray barb through the heart while filming a new documentary on Monday.

Irwin, 44, tangled with some of the world’s most dangerous animals but he died in an extremely rare attack by a normally placid sea creature while he was diving on a reef off Port Douglas in northern Queensland.

We at The Document are saddened by his death (we’re fans of his movie), and can’t help but think this is an animal conspiracy. An attack by the likes of a crocodile he’d be expecting, the task instead fell to the normally docile stingray. The stingrays undoubtedly were all for it after years of young-child related touching in aquariums everywhere.

PETA Thinks You're An Idiot

Ad blather has images of new PETA ads:

I’m not quite sure what to make of this ad, other than cows somehow replenish themselves via asexual reproduction, in which case we should:

1. be fine, because clearly one cow turns into four cows and many, many other materials.

2. panic, because soon the cows will outnumber us and blow us up with TNT.

3. look suspiciously at our shirt buttons, as we had no idea they were cow-based.

Of course, being PETA, they manage to balance the crazy with abject assholery:

Over 50 million cows are slaughtered every year to feed your greed for burgers, bags and lipsticks. So who’s to blame if the cow goes extinct soon: the butcher or you?

Have they driven around lately? There’s no shortage of cows. I see them like everyday. And even if all the cows died, GOOD. Fuck cows.

If Jesus had the same self-righteousness PETA has, his message would’ve been more like this:

I have to die, because you’re all a bunch of assholes. When I die, who’s to blame: YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

And instead of this reading nonsense like this we’d all be busy controlling Hollywood.

If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right.