The Gap Thinks Audrey Hepburn Is A Dancing Whore

Probably, most of my rage should be focused on Path to 9/11, but others seem to have that assholery under control, which leaves me to focus on something truly outrageous – the Gap’s appropriation of Audrey Hepburn.

I saw window clings of Audrey on the windows at the local Gap tonight and was surprised enough to stop, stand, and think “WTF?” to myself. The “hello Audrey” tagline underneath didn’t really explain anything, but I went on my way, bought a new pair of pants (not from Gap, obvs), and forgot about it.

Then I go home and see this:

Using footage from Funny Face set to AC/DC’s “Back In Black”, the commercial treats the late Miss Hepburn like a common whore.

Naturally, Gap is very excited about it:

This week, the skinny black pant is back at Gap with the introduction of a new, groundbreaking campaign featuring original film footage of timeless style icon Audrey Hepburn. The campaign, entitled “Keep it Simple,” is centered on innovative television spots incorporating a memorable scene of Audrey Hepburn dancing in the classic film Funny Face. Celebrating Gap’s re-launch of the perfect black pant, the ads mark Gap’s third and final marketing campaign of the fall season.

“We’re thrilled because this is the first time in more than 12 years that a film clip of Audrey Hepburn has been authorized to endorse a commercial product in North America,” said Kyle Andrew, vice president of Gap Marketing. “This ad is a true testament to timeless style and we couldn’t be more excited to have Audrey Hepburn — the ultimate style icon — represented in our campaign.”

This ad is a true testament to “we couldn’t come up with anything new for our ads with dancing people that we’ve being doing for what, like forever or something? so we’ve moved on to dead people”. It’s awesome because he makes it sound like she willingly signed up for this. “Well, we had to trade a few first-round draft picks, but she’s finally ours!”

And I don’t hate it because of some snobbish elitism about violating art for commercialism. I like commercials. I liked the dancing Gap commercials when they first aired. I hate it because it’s Audrey Hepburn. A woman so elegant that even though I’d normally insert an expletive in the middle of her name (e.g. Dan Fucking Jellison), I can’t. She’s Audrey Hepburn!

She’s like one of the five Good People, ever. To see her image hijacked for a pair of PANTS is too much for my fragile and sensitive soul. It’d be like seeing a commercial with Jesus in a jacket for A&F. Except that while we’ll never know exactly what Jesus looked like, whether it be bearded Caucasian or scruffy Jew, he’d look like a pile of moldy shoe next to Audrey Hepburn.

Somebody’s getting punched over this one. And I’m skipping the face and going right for the crotch.