Homosexual Agenda

From today's SALON — "Homosexuals are hellbound!"

On Nov. 2, Ohio will vote on Issue 1, a state constitutional amendment that purports to simply ban same-sex marriage but actually goes much further. Ten other states -- Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon and Utah -- are also voting on anti-gay marriage amendments. They're all expected to pass, most by wide margins. Eight of the state amendments prohibit domestic partnerships or any other public benefits or recognition for gay couples.

"He publishes poems like "America's Final Crisis," which prophesies that, unless the country adopts biblical law, "You'll be governed by queers and whores" and tyrannized with a "U.N. branded sword." In case that's not clear enough, he also offers a tract titled, "Convincing Reasons HOMOSEXUALS are HELLBOUND!"

Interlopers from out of state have come to Ohio, "going door to door, knocking on doors so we can continue to murder babies and further strip the church of its First Amendment rights through hate crimes legislation." Gay marriage, he says, heralds "the annihilation of a civilization."

And here's our hero of the day:

Despite all the national backing, the driving force behind Issue 1 is an Ohioan named Phil Burress, founder of a group called Citizens for Community Values. A thrice-married Cincinnati man who describes himself as a former pornography addict redeemed by Jesus, Burress has spent much of the last decade fighting gay rights.

Pornography addict? How exactly does one become addicted to porn? Porn is useful for about five minutes, then you're done with it. It goes away, and you get on with your life.

Would his friends all want to go out drinking and he'd decline to stay in and watch A CLOCKWORK ORGY?

I feel sorry for his wives. They start to get horny, start grinding up on his shit, and he'd kick them out because "Wow, they're having sex on a copier! I totally thought he was just a copy repair man and then he took his pants off and offered to do some manual collation. Plus, I hear there's a part where they have sex on a firetruck! Wheeeeee!"

Note To Everyone: If you care enough about people engaging in activities that don't affect your live in anyway whatsoever that you're willing to exert energy on banning said activity, then fuck you.

There's no homosexual agenda, kids.