Retarded Apples To Retarder Oranges

Dear "Commentators":

Ashlee Simpson is NOT like Milli Vanilli. Milli Vanilli did not sing their own songs. They lip synced, yes, but to other people's voices. That's why their screw-up was a big deal (reletively speaking).

Acting surprised that a teen-pop singer might need some vocal help is just retarded. And the ensuing investigation on her acid reflux and how her story's changed is a ludicrous waste of air time, especially when we have a presidential administration that can't make up their minds on what happened to 300 tons of explosives.

So, to review:

Ashlee Simpson ≠ Milli Vanilli
Lip Syncing = Not a Big Deal
300 Tons of Explosives = ???

Bloody Brilliant

Look, I just pretended I was British in the title. But I'm not.

Anyway…

Hands down, the best "ad" of the election series. Lie Girls. And the hottest.

For The Record

I had the "Massachusetts comebacks" in the "In" section BEFORE the Sox won.

Also, apparently Schilling had his shit stitched to the bone so he could play last night. That's hardcore.

I mean, not that I care about baseball.

Homosexual Agenda

From today's SALON — "Homosexuals are hellbound!"

On Nov. 2, Ohio will vote on Issue 1, a state constitutional amendment that purports to simply ban same-sex marriage but actually goes much further. Ten other states -- Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon and Utah -- are also voting on anti-gay marriage amendments. They're all expected to pass, most by wide margins. Eight of the state amendments prohibit domestic partnerships or any other public benefits or recognition for gay couples.

"He publishes poems like "America's Final Crisis," which prophesies that, unless the country adopts biblical law, "You'll be governed by queers and whores" and tyrannized with a "U.N. branded sword." In case that's not clear enough, he also offers a tract titled, "Convincing Reasons HOMOSEXUALS are HELLBOUND!"

Interlopers from out of state have come to Ohio, "going door to door, knocking on doors so we can continue to murder babies and further strip the church of its First Amendment rights through hate crimes legislation." Gay marriage, he says, heralds "the annihilation of a civilization."

And here's our hero of the day:

Despite all the national backing, the driving force behind Issue 1 is an Ohioan named Phil Burress, founder of a group called Citizens for Community Values. A thrice-married Cincinnati man who describes himself as a former pornography addict redeemed by Jesus, Burress has spent much of the last decade fighting gay rights.

Pornography addict? How exactly does one become addicted to porn? Porn is useful for about five minutes, then you're done with it. It goes away, and you get on with your life.

Would his friends all want to go out drinking and he'd decline to stay in and watch A CLOCKWORK ORGY?

I feel sorry for his wives. They start to get horny, start grinding up on his shit, and he'd kick them out because "Wow, they're having sex on a copier! I totally thought he was just a copy repair man and then he took his pants off and offered to do some manual collation. Plus, I hear there's a part where they have sex on a firetruck! Wheeeeee!"

Note To Everyone: If you care enough about people engaging in activities that don't affect your live in anyway whatsoever that you're willing to exert energy on banning said activity, then fuck you.

There's no homosexual agenda, kids.

Note To Drunks

Wearing pants with a button down fly to the bar, while fashionable, makes the act of urination increasingly difficult as the night (and alcohol intake) progresses.

Oh, Yoplait.

"Together, we can lick breast cancer."

Sometimes Your Vote Doesn't Need To Not Count

When you can't even cast it…

Employees of a private voter registration company allege that hundreds, perhaps thousands of voters who may think they are registered will be rudely surprised on election day. The company claims hundreds of registration forms were thrown in the trash.

Anyone who has recently registered or re-registered to vote outside a mall or grocery store or even government building may be affected.

The I-Team has obtained information about an alleged widespread pattern of potential registration fraud aimed at democrats. Thee focus of the story is a private registration company called Voters Outreach of America, AKA America Votes.

The out-of-state firm has been in Las Vegas for the past few months, registering voters. It employed up to 300 part-time workers and collected hundreds of registrations per day, but former employees of the company say that Voters Outreach of America only wanted Republican registrations.

LINK

It Crawls Back Up

I swear, if one more person talks to me at the urinal, I'm going to swing around and piss on them.

Well, we could go to a bar, find some people we don't like and beat the crap out of them.