Stoned Slackers

You know why Jon Stewart commands a well-educated audience?

You know why Jon Stewart is arguably the most respected television personality involved in this election?

You know why THE DAILY SHOW is actually "Fair and Balanced"?

Because Jon Stewart calls bullshit on people.

They make shit up, and he says, "I call bullshit on that."

It's that simple.

Conversations In My Head

And I was like "Hey…"

And he was like "Ho…"

And I was like "Hey…"

And he was like "Ho…"

And I was like, "We just wrote a song."

Colorful Metaphors Fail Me

Thankfully, irony (much like Spock) did not stay dead.

Ignorance Is My Pride

Almost forgot about this one…

The local paper runs a section called "Sound Off", where people who can't string enough words together for a letter to the editor call and leave short little uninformed rantings for the paper to use to fill space and piss me off.

One ran in the August 15 edition that reads as follows:

We all know what President Bush has done for our country. Where did John Kerry come from? Whoever heard of him? Not me and I am 82 years old. All the way President Bush! November is your month.

I get willful ignorance, I don't like it, but I can understand some people choose to be retarded. What I don't get it the belligerent ignorance displayed here. "Whoever heard of him? Not me and I am 82-years-old." You can almost picture their rage. "How DARE this guy I've never heard of run against the guy I've only heard of because his dad was president before! Oh gosh is that the news on my TV, quick I better turn it off before I start to know something! Oh, good, it's that nice Bob Barker fellow. Who doesn't he run for president? Ohhh, Plinko!"

Lack Of Coordination

When I'm thirsty and also have to piss, I sometimes want to yell at my body for not being very efficient and economical with its resources.

Don't Stand So Close To Me

The urinals at work are several inches to close for comfortable urination. There's two of them, and if one is being used, I'm faced with the choice of an uncomfotably close urinating situation, or vagging out and using a stall.

So Much To Essay

I spent a good part of today reading Paul Graham's essay on the essay, which you'd do well to check out if you've ever had to write a five-paragraph essay explaining why Miss Havisham hated Pip because you once imagined pushing your gammy down the stairs after she yelled at you for drinking all the juice.

Or if you've ever argued with your troll of a freshman english teacher that if you had an extra point to make, why can't I add another paragraph or maybe I'll write an essay about how YOU'RE Miss Havisham, you great bitch.

You used to be fun. You used to be warped and twisted and hilarious... and I mean that in the best way - I mean it as a compliment!